Question
What does it feel like to be unattractive and desired by none?
Answer
The short, impressionistic version of my answer is to refer you to the Thai folktale about a handsome young Buddhist monk who deliberately gained weight to become ugly enough to be allowed to go-monk in peace. Others have deliberately disfigured themselves on the path to philosophy. Ponder such stories. Why would somebody with a "good" hand deliberately throw it away?
Now for the longer version.
Since the discussion has been strongly framed by the poignant Anon User "short and ugly" answer that has bubbled to the top, I am going to narrow my focus from "unattractive and desired by none" to "short and ugly male" as the worst-case scenario. Presumably what applies there applies in weaker ways to other cases. The answers also seem to have drifted towards prescription rather than the description of the state the question asks for. I'll go with that drift, since how it feels depends to a large extent on what you do about it, having recognized the state.
I think this question requires the separation of the objective variables (height and basic physical looks as perceived by others via, for example, a photographic ranking exercise that does not allow personality or money to influence perceptions) from how you feel about it, which influences how well you can work it or "play the hand you're dealt" to use the framing many are using here.
But there is absolutely no question that this is definitely a handicap in the game of life, despite all the encouragement from the well-intentioned "you can beat this" cheer-leading going on here. I'd estimate that only 1 in 3 can beat this tax burden, and beating it is not entirely within your control; you need some luck as well in your other cards and circumstances. Working "short and ugly" is like sailing upwind. You need better/smarter technology (sail ship designs that can tack efficiently) and it will still be far harder and less efficient than sailing downwind with worse technology. It is easy for people to say "play the hand you've been dealt" when they've been dealt a decent one.
Once the afflicted ones bootstrap themselves out of wallowing in hopeless misery, I've seen them cope in a few ways, all of which lead to feeling much better about it:
The outpouring of commiseration for the "afflicted" ones on this thread astonishes me to a degree. I really cannot bring myself to participate though, since the "play the cards you're dealt" mentality has been so deeply ingrained in me for such a long time. But I can suggest two resources that may help with coping.
First read Impro by Keith Johnstone. It is all about improv theater.
http://www.ribbonfarm.com/2010/0...
It might seem like a non sequitur recommendation, but what that book teaches you about understanding and "playing" status games (and therefore, rising above them) is gold for somebody working an unfavorable status position in any game, be it life, love or work.
Second, ponder my own modest contribution to help work out such existential dilemmas, the "Philosopher's Abacus," particularly useful for coping mechanism #3, but also useful for the other two:
http://www.ribbonfarm.com/2010/0...
This question seems to require some personal disclosure, so here's mine:
On the "short and ugly" front, I can't say I know how it feels at the extremes being talked about here. At 5' 7", I am approximately average height for an Indian, and 4-5 inches below average in America, and perhaps more importantly, taller than the average woman in both countries. This answer might be very different if I'd ever lived in Sweden :). Looks-wise I'd say I'd be considered spectacularly average/unremarkable anywhere. Given the right lighting, a recent decent haircut, and good camera angles, I can look halfway decent even, but in face-to-face encounters, average it is.
In other words, I am in a position that makes me pretty much agnostic to both this question and the "What does it feel like to be attractive and desired by many?" question it is a follow up to. So that's my excuse for weighing in on this subject.
I've seen people in my position of the spectrum go both ways: work their hand so well, they actually beat the tall-and-attractive, or spiral down into the psychological company of people with much worse hands. Me, I've neither spiraled up through work (too lazy) or down through despair (not mentally capable of it really).
Possibly this is because this particular game has always been a distant second in my life to the orthogonal philosophy game, a much stronger vice, once you're addicted. I've been on the path #3 for decades now, though perhaps my choice of that path was more voluntary than for others who have chosen it (and less voluntary than some extreme hunks I know of, who had to get to the philosopher's path while resisting screaming and protesting female fans... hence my Thai-monk story that began my answer).
Anyway, all the best if you feel this way. The last piece of consolation I can offer is that we all grow old and die. The short-and-ugly must merely grapple with their own mortality sooner than others. The older you get the less this sort of thing seems to matter (and I am not saying this merely because I am married... I experienced the way age dulls anxiety over this game for quite a while before that...).
Now for the longer version.
Since the discussion has been strongly framed by the poignant Anon User "short and ugly" answer that has bubbled to the top, I am going to narrow my focus from "unattractive and desired by none" to "short and ugly male" as the worst-case scenario. Presumably what applies there applies in weaker ways to other cases. The answers also seem to have drifted towards prescription rather than the description of the state the question asks for. I'll go with that drift, since how it feels depends to a large extent on what you do about it, having recognized the state.
I think this question requires the separation of the objective variables (height and basic physical looks as perceived by others via, for example, a photographic ranking exercise that does not allow personality or money to influence perceptions) from how you feel about it, which influences how well you can work it or "play the hand you're dealt" to use the framing many are using here.
But there is absolutely no question that this is definitely a handicap in the game of life, despite all the encouragement from the well-intentioned "you can beat this" cheer-leading going on here. I'd estimate that only 1 in 3 can beat this tax burden, and beating it is not entirely within your control; you need some luck as well in your other cards and circumstances. Working "short and ugly" is like sailing upwind. You need better/smarter technology (sail ship designs that can tack efficiently) and it will still be far harder and less efficient than sailing downwind with worse technology. It is easy for people to say "play the hand you've been dealt" when they've been dealt a decent one.
Once the afflicted ones bootstrap themselves out of wallowing in hopeless misery, I've seen them cope in a few ways, all of which lead to feeling much better about it:
- Just pay the "short and ugly" tax: work like crazy to build muscles and money to overcompensate. Optimize dressing, become a sparkling conversationalist, get as much plastic surgery as you can afford. Change your name. Anything. This is the extreme hard work route. The higher your tax burden, the harder you have to work to offset it.
- Work it in specialized ways: there's a reason many self-perceived "short and ugly" people are so good at working some cliched angles: biting/sarcastic humor (David Spade), a puppy-dog personality that targets maternal instincts instead of mating instincts, and then sneaks into "mating," via an "I'll take pity sex" route (a gross oversimplification of Woody Allen, but there's plenty of sitcom characters that portray this), pure force of intellect (I've met at least a few geniuses who are very short and/or ugly), ironic self-flagellation (Alan Harper in two and a half men) military genius (Napoleon... particularly effective, since it targets the primary connotation of short as "can't fight.")
- Become philosophers: You cannot really transcend this game playing other status games like money/brains, since those games are to a large extent proxies for the sex game. The only truly orthogonal game is philosophy. This is the rarest and hardest coping mechanism, but ultimately the most effective. Every human condition is a powerful philosophical lens with which to view reality, and the consolations of philosophy are real and powerful. You really can transcend the "getting ahead and getting along" drives of the masses. You'll intellectually evolve yourself right out of the gene pool, and escape the tyranny of the selfish gene. Go ubermensch in short. If you are beyond-human, you cannot be slave to human drives and status games. The fact that many attractive and tall people are drawn to the life of monastic solitude tells you that this self-actualization drive is actually seriously powerful, and can easily override lower-level Maslow pyramid drives, and once you succumb to it, it can make all these everyday priorities seem trivial and inconsequential. Forget sex; people on this path try to even conquer more basic desires like hunger and pain-avoidance.
The outpouring of commiseration for the "afflicted" ones on this thread astonishes me to a degree. I really cannot bring myself to participate though, since the "play the cards you're dealt" mentality has been so deeply ingrained in me for such a long time. But I can suggest two resources that may help with coping.
First read Impro by Keith Johnstone. It is all about improv theater.
http://www.ribbonfarm.com/2010/0...
It might seem like a non sequitur recommendation, but what that book teaches you about understanding and "playing" status games (and therefore, rising above them) is gold for somebody working an unfavorable status position in any game, be it life, love or work.
Second, ponder my own modest contribution to help work out such existential dilemmas, the "Philosopher's Abacus," particularly useful for coping mechanism #3, but also useful for the other two:
http://www.ribbonfarm.com/2010/0...
This question seems to require some personal disclosure, so here's mine:
On the "short and ugly" front, I can't say I know how it feels at the extremes being talked about here. At 5' 7", I am approximately average height for an Indian, and 4-5 inches below average in America, and perhaps more importantly, taller than the average woman in both countries. This answer might be very different if I'd ever lived in Sweden :). Looks-wise I'd say I'd be considered spectacularly average/unremarkable anywhere. Given the right lighting, a recent decent haircut, and good camera angles, I can look halfway decent even, but in face-to-face encounters, average it is.
In other words, I am in a position that makes me pretty much agnostic to both this question and the "What does it feel like to be attractive and desired by many?" question it is a follow up to. So that's my excuse for weighing in on this subject.
I've seen people in my position of the spectrum go both ways: work their hand so well, they actually beat the tall-and-attractive, or spiral down into the psychological company of people with much worse hands. Me, I've neither spiraled up through work (too lazy) or down through despair (not mentally capable of it really).
Possibly this is because this particular game has always been a distant second in my life to the orthogonal philosophy game, a much stronger vice, once you're addicted. I've been on the path #3 for decades now, though perhaps my choice of that path was more voluntary than for others who have chosen it (and less voluntary than some extreme hunks I know of, who had to get to the philosopher's path while resisting screaming and protesting female fans... hence my Thai-monk story that began my answer).
Anyway, all the best if you feel this way. The last piece of consolation I can offer is that we all grow old and die. The short-and-ugly must merely grapple with their own mortality sooner than others. The older you get the less this sort of thing seems to matter (and I am not saying this merely because I am married... I experienced the way age dulls anxiety over this game for quite a while before that...).