Question
Are friends generally people who are like-minded?
Answer
Anecdotally, I have found that friendships seem to behave pretty much like marriages, and the same phenomenon has been well studied in marriage. So apply the idea below, mutatis mutandis. Be cautious though, since I am extrapolating.
John Gottman, who did some famous studies on whether marriages could last found a simple predictor: in conversations/interactions, if 4 out of 5 "moves" were positive and only 1 negative, the marriage would last. If the ratio was less than 4/5, it would fall apart. You could say that in good marriages, the couple is 80% like-minded. I think the remaining 20% disagreement is necessary to provide creative tension and drama to keep the story of the relationship interesting, so 5/5 is probably bad as well.
I think it is common sense to expect a bias towards agreement/positive interactions in any relationship, but Gottman's results are interesting because it shows how strong the positive bias needs to be. The positive relationship needs to be 4x the negative. 51-49 won't do.
I think friendships similarly need a strong positive bias of this sort. Mine certainly do. You have to adjust for different relationship up-time levels (you see your spouse for hours every day, but probably don't spend as much time with even your best friend).
In the context of marriage, "positive" transactional strokes are things like agreement, validation, positive reinforcement etc. Negative strokes are things like contemptuous dismissal. It is obviously best if this 4/5 level of agreement arises out of genuine alignment rather than "faking it" for stability.
In a way, Gottman's results are a lot like the basic rule of agreement in improv theater. A relationship is like an improv act that can only go on if there is enough agreement with the implicit premises of ongoing transaction. In marriage, it is not shared values as revealed in marriage vows that seem to matter, but the shared assumptions underlying everyday transactions.
John Gottman, who did some famous studies on whether marriages could last found a simple predictor: in conversations/interactions, if 4 out of 5 "moves" were positive and only 1 negative, the marriage would last. If the ratio was less than 4/5, it would fall apart. You could say that in good marriages, the couple is 80% like-minded. I think the remaining 20% disagreement is necessary to provide creative tension and drama to keep the story of the relationship interesting, so 5/5 is probably bad as well.
I think it is common sense to expect a bias towards agreement/positive interactions in any relationship, but Gottman's results are interesting because it shows how strong the positive bias needs to be. The positive relationship needs to be 4x the negative. 51-49 won't do.
I think friendships similarly need a strong positive bias of this sort. Mine certainly do. You have to adjust for different relationship up-time levels (you see your spouse for hours every day, but probably don't spend as much time with even your best friend).
In the context of marriage, "positive" transactional strokes are things like agreement, validation, positive reinforcement etc. Negative strokes are things like contemptuous dismissal. It is obviously best if this 4/5 level of agreement arises out of genuine alignment rather than "faking it" for stability.
In a way, Gottman's results are a lot like the basic rule of agreement in improv theater. A relationship is like an improv act that can only go on if there is enough agreement with the implicit premises of ongoing transaction. In marriage, it is not shared values as revealed in marriage vows that seem to matter, but the shared assumptions underlying everyday transactions.